Is it abnormal for me to be afraid? The simple things people do all the time; they are able to complete with such obvious ease, yet for me is such a struggle. Am i just weak minded? Naive? Too sheltered from everything? A wuss? I am so utterly dependent on everyone that the thought of adventuring on my own scares the shit out of me. I am about to undertake a journey soon, something similar that a friend recently has. She was excited, thrilled and couldn't wait to do it. Why is it that all i seem to feel is terror, anxiety, uncertainty and down right dread. When i should be over the moon about it. Do i simply have a weaker more pessimistic personality that gets scared so easily? I get frightened by so many day to day things. I'll admit now that i'm scared of being in a car. Can't stand it really. The thought of me driving the car is down right petrifying. I'm constantly having tiny panic attacks whilst in the car just from simple things as another car stopping at a side street. I always feel that the car might not stop and it'll plough into us. A dog might run onto the road, either we hit the dog or going skidding into a tree. Scenarios run through my head constantly. So the thought of this upcoming adventure has had me reeling for days. I closer to the departure date, the more sleepless nights filled with 'what if' questions. I can't help myself. I try to drown it out with superficial things, works to an extent. I'm just so absolutely worried. But i really wanted to do this. It feels like i have to prove something to myself. That i'm not a little girl who would needs her parents protection all the time. But the thought of leaving the cotton wool they've wrapped me in frightens me.
Uh well thats enough of my thoughts revealed. No one needs to hear this at all. I don't really want people to know how wussy and juvenile i am. But it needed to be said. And i'm sure everyone already knows - I'm complain about everything non stop. I'm physically and mentally exhausted at the moment so i think its bed time.
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I do the same thing as you. With cars, with going places without people Im close. I even used to get worried when I had to order something from the canteen! That's one of the reasons I went to the school counsellor last year, to be like 'hey lady, wtf is wrong with me'. All she said was that I have a low tolerance for anxiety, which I guess means that the scenarios others usually put to the back of their minds are in the forefront of mine constantly. Its part of the reason I quit my job, havent tried to get my Ls, do nothing with money but hoard it and a bunch of other crap I wish I didn't do. Don't worry Lauren, Im just as fucked up as you are.
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