I Am What I Am

Things I Love:

Adrenaline
School Chorals
Friends
Affection
John Barrowman
Fanfiction
Peanut Butter
Singing
Those Moments Of Elatedness
Painkillers
Talking
Feeling happy
Smiling
Acting However You Want
Rainy Days
Jack And Ianto
Happy Endings
Being Held
Feeling Loved


Things I Dislike:

When People Use The Word Hate
Feeling Alone
Panic Attacks
Myself
Those Unhappy Times
Being A Woman
Cramps
Making decisions
Random Chest Pains
When You've Annoyed Someone So Much That They Won't Talk To You
Not Having A Good Singing Voice
Not Fully Appreciating Life
Not Being Hugged
Reality
Bad Sportsmanship
Getting Too Attached
No one Sees You As Who You Truly Are

Apologies all round.

I'm sorry. To everyone. But to one person in particular. Im sorry for dumping everything on you. Im sorry for the non stop complaining. Im sorry you had to listen. Im sorry if i made you worry. Im sorry that i never listen. Im sorry im an attention seeker. Im sorry that i always need you. Im sorry for never fully appreciating you. Im sorry that even after all of this, i will still keep unloading my problems onto you. Im sorry for being who i am.

Angry times.

I am so incredibly angry!!! I actually got off my arse and started doing some methods. I found practice tests on the portal and printed them off. i thought 'maybe i should print off the answers as well that way i dont hav to keep going to my computer to correct my answers'. get to my computer. hmmm where are the answers. for ages i searched for them. coming to a conclusion that either im an idiot or they arent up there. i emailed ms garner asking where they are, i got this reply:

 Sorry Lauren
we have not put them up there and too late for tomorrow now.
Regards

Sorry? oh you're sorry? its your freaking fault that now there's absolutely no point me doing the practice tests because i cant correct everything that im bound to get wrong!
fuck teachers. they hav no fucking idea.

Effort.

Methods test tomorrow. Bad enough as it is. I've done all the work in the class. Understanding it is another issue. I just downloaded the practice tests for the topic. take one glance. crap. i dont understand any of this. *quickly looks for answers* shit. there aren't any answers. what is the point of me doing it when i hav no clue if its right or not! what stupid teachers. so now im sitting here at my desk typing away when i should be studying. but i cant bring myself to do it. that just seems to be my issue at the moment. i cant be arsed doing anything. at school today i didnt pay attention. i didnt even try to initiate a conversation with my friends. which is so unlike me. so now im still sitting here wondering whether or not i can actually be bothered. short answer, no. long answer, i really really really should but i wont. well teas ready, so i guess i can procrastinate a bit longer. now there's 3 people who actually waste their lives reading my blog. happy now jenna.

Emotions, Arrogance and Self-loathing.

You know when you feel crap, and you dont know why you feel crap. Thats how i feel. Im typing this quickly because ashley is behind me and i dont want him reading it. I'd start typing about everything shit in my life but quite frankly no one would care. people say they care but i doubt they do. its not like anyone but emma is going to be reading this. i already know emma cares. i dont even know what im saying. im just typing meaningless random words. everything is mixed up. i dont know how i feel. i dont know why i feel like this. is it numbness perhaps? just a feeling of neither contentness nor that awful upsetting feeling. just in between. i should be glad that im not upset about anything. or that nothing is majorly wrong in my life. but im not. glad that is. i'll keep complaining about how everything is bad. i know that everything could be so much worse. people tell us that all the time when we feel upset. "just remember there are people worse off than you." but you know what. thats crap advice. now on top of all the irrational stupid feelings i feel, i get guilt. why the hell should i be worrying about my insignificant problems when other people are struggling with worse. well thats me for you. im a selfish attention seeking arrogant teenager. i probably deserve this. all this unknown pain that i hav. i probably am making it up like my family thinks. maybe im subconsciously a hypochrondriac. another one of my attention seeking ways. anyway that was alot of stupid waffle. i know that anyone who reads this will feel as if they hav just wasted 1 minute of their life.

Is there something wrong with me?

I have this friend. I've been friends with her for a very long time. We use to be so close. Then she started to get more popular. She got new friends, ones who are seen as 'cool', something which i am not. Im totally fine with that. However i dont think she thinks the same way. She's changed. I feel like she looks down on me now. She calls me immature and weird. When im with her, and only her, she turns back into the person i use to know. She jokes and laughs, and we reminise about the past and how we wish to go back to the wonders of junior school. But as soon as someone else steps into the picture its like her whole demeanour changes. She looks uncomfortable. It doesnt take a genius to figure out that she doesnt want to be around me anymore. Which makes me wonder. Is she right to think of me like this? Am i too immature and too nerdy now. Is it just her that thinks this? Or do the others secretly not want to be with me either. I feel like something is wrong me. Maybe everyone is growing up and i just havent. Maybe, like my looks, im still a 12 year old. Am i so entirely strange that everyone looks upon me with disdain? It makes me wonder.