Soul Revealing

Is it abnormal for me to be afraid? The simple things people do all the time; they are able to complete with such obvious ease, yet for me is such a struggle. Am i just weak minded? Naive? Too sheltered from everything? A wuss? I am so utterly dependent on everyone that the thought of adventuring on my own scares the shit out of me. I am about to undertake a journey soon, something similar that a friend recently has. She was excited, thrilled and couldn't wait to do it. Why is it that all i seem to feel is terror, anxiety, uncertainty and down right dread. When i should be over the moon about it. Do i simply have a weaker more pessimistic personality that gets scared so easily? I get frightened by so many day to day things. I'll admit now that i'm scared of being in a car. Can't stand it really. The thought of me driving the car is down right petrifying. I'm constantly having tiny panic attacks whilst in the car just from simple things as another car stopping at a side street. I always feel that the car might not stop and it'll plough into us. A dog might run onto the road, either we hit the dog or going skidding into a tree. Scenarios run through my head constantly. So the thought of this upcoming adventure has had me reeling for days. I closer to the departure date, the more sleepless nights filled with 'what if' questions. I can't help myself. I try to drown it out with superficial things, works to an extent. I'm just so absolutely worried. But i really wanted to do this. It feels like i have to prove something to myself. That i'm not a little girl who would needs her parents protection all the time. But the thought of leaving the cotton wool they've wrapped me in frightens me.
Uh well thats enough of my thoughts revealed. No one needs to hear this at all. I don't really want people to know how wussy and juvenile i am. But it needed to be said. And i'm sure everyone already knows - I'm complain about everything non stop. I'm physically and mentally exhausted at the moment so i think its bed time.

Complaining. All I ever seem to do.

It was worse today. So much worse. The crippling pain that never seems to leave me. What am i suppose to do? I cant eat, I cant lie down, I cant sleep, I cant do anything. So many restrictions. I dont know how long I can take it before I go literally insane.

On the second day of Christmas.

I saw two squashed snails today on my walk home. No orange grasshopper. It made me sad.
And the need for sleep was somewhat overwhelming today. Spares are useful after all.

Excitement Galore.

I saw an orange grass hopper today. And i also read a very good book.
The good parts of my day summed up in two sentences.

I Am What I Am

Things I Love:

Adrenaline
School Chorals
Friends
Affection
John Barrowman
Fanfiction
Peanut Butter
Singing
Those Moments Of Elatedness
Painkillers
Talking
Feeling happy
Smiling
Acting However You Want
Rainy Days
Jack And Ianto
Happy Endings
Being Held
Feeling Loved


Things I Dislike:

When People Use The Word Hate
Feeling Alone
Panic Attacks
Myself
Those Unhappy Times
Being A Woman
Cramps
Making decisions
Random Chest Pains
When You've Annoyed Someone So Much That They Won't Talk To You
Not Having A Good Singing Voice
Not Fully Appreciating Life
Not Being Hugged
Reality
Bad Sportsmanship
Getting Too Attached
No one Sees You As Who You Truly Are

Apologies all round.

I'm sorry. To everyone. But to one person in particular. Im sorry for dumping everything on you. Im sorry for the non stop complaining. Im sorry you had to listen. Im sorry if i made you worry. Im sorry that i never listen. Im sorry im an attention seeker. Im sorry that i always need you. Im sorry for never fully appreciating you. Im sorry that even after all of this, i will still keep unloading my problems onto you. Im sorry for being who i am.

Angry times.

I am so incredibly angry!!! I actually got off my arse and started doing some methods. I found practice tests on the portal and printed them off. i thought 'maybe i should print off the answers as well that way i dont hav to keep going to my computer to correct my answers'. get to my computer. hmmm where are the answers. for ages i searched for them. coming to a conclusion that either im an idiot or they arent up there. i emailed ms garner asking where they are, i got this reply:

 Sorry Lauren
we have not put them up there and too late for tomorrow now.
Regards

Sorry? oh you're sorry? its your freaking fault that now there's absolutely no point me doing the practice tests because i cant correct everything that im bound to get wrong!
fuck teachers. they hav no fucking idea.

Effort.

Methods test tomorrow. Bad enough as it is. I've done all the work in the class. Understanding it is another issue. I just downloaded the practice tests for the topic. take one glance. crap. i dont understand any of this. *quickly looks for answers* shit. there aren't any answers. what is the point of me doing it when i hav no clue if its right or not! what stupid teachers. so now im sitting here at my desk typing away when i should be studying. but i cant bring myself to do it. that just seems to be my issue at the moment. i cant be arsed doing anything. at school today i didnt pay attention. i didnt even try to initiate a conversation with my friends. which is so unlike me. so now im still sitting here wondering whether or not i can actually be bothered. short answer, no. long answer, i really really really should but i wont. well teas ready, so i guess i can procrastinate a bit longer. now there's 3 people who actually waste their lives reading my blog. happy now jenna.

Emotions, Arrogance and Self-loathing.

You know when you feel crap, and you dont know why you feel crap. Thats how i feel. Im typing this quickly because ashley is behind me and i dont want him reading it. I'd start typing about everything shit in my life but quite frankly no one would care. people say they care but i doubt they do. its not like anyone but emma is going to be reading this. i already know emma cares. i dont even know what im saying. im just typing meaningless random words. everything is mixed up. i dont know how i feel. i dont know why i feel like this. is it numbness perhaps? just a feeling of neither contentness nor that awful upsetting feeling. just in between. i should be glad that im not upset about anything. or that nothing is majorly wrong in my life. but im not. glad that is. i'll keep complaining about how everything is bad. i know that everything could be so much worse. people tell us that all the time when we feel upset. "just remember there are people worse off than you." but you know what. thats crap advice. now on top of all the irrational stupid feelings i feel, i get guilt. why the hell should i be worrying about my insignificant problems when other people are struggling with worse. well thats me for you. im a selfish attention seeking arrogant teenager. i probably deserve this. all this unknown pain that i hav. i probably am making it up like my family thinks. maybe im subconsciously a hypochrondriac. another one of my attention seeking ways. anyway that was alot of stupid waffle. i know that anyone who reads this will feel as if they hav just wasted 1 minute of their life.

Is there something wrong with me?

I have this friend. I've been friends with her for a very long time. We use to be so close. Then she started to get more popular. She got new friends, ones who are seen as 'cool', something which i am not. Im totally fine with that. However i dont think she thinks the same way. She's changed. I feel like she looks down on me now. She calls me immature and weird. When im with her, and only her, she turns back into the person i use to know. She jokes and laughs, and we reminise about the past and how we wish to go back to the wonders of junior school. But as soon as someone else steps into the picture its like her whole demeanour changes. She looks uncomfortable. It doesnt take a genius to figure out that she doesnt want to be around me anymore. Which makes me wonder. Is she right to think of me like this? Am i too immature and too nerdy now. Is it just her that thinks this? Or do the others secretly not want to be with me either. I feel like something is wrong me. Maybe everyone is growing up and i just havent. Maybe, like my looks, im still a 12 year old. Am i so entirely strange that everyone looks upon me with disdain? It makes me wonder.

Updates.

Just a quick post today. i cant be bothered writing anything huge. or ranting. im too tired. just wanted to say that its 4 months and 20 days until New Moon comes out. yay. i know im sad and have no life. but i dont care. also its only one month and 27 days until blood promise comes out. and only 17 days until harry potter 6 comes out. OMG! im so excited! everything is happening at the moment. total rush of adrenaline. woot for fantasy.

Whoops.

Im my previous post i wrote: "she would patronise me, she would chastise me for making such a dumb mistake". This totally contradicts the entire entry basically. change the "would's" to "wouldnt's" and the whole thing makes more sense. this is why i should edit my blog before i post it.
laters.

What If?

I was in the shower just before, and i noticed that my stomach looked slightly larger than usual. we just had dinner which is why it looked bigger. yes i realise you didnt need to know that (and you're probably going to have nightmares now) but you need to know why im writing this post. i suddenly thought, what if i was pregnant? what would i do? who would i turn to? dont ask me why this suddenly popped into my head. it just did. and now im contemplating it. and i find writing it down is a better way to organise my thoughts.
firstly i'd need buy a pregnancy test, just to confirm. but how would i do this? go get it myself? ask a friend? ask my parents? my brother? i think i'd be way to much of a coward to get it myself and i worry too much about what people think of me. yes im shallow. would i then ask my parents? the short answer: no i probably wouldnt. i'd be way too afraid to tell them, especially if it was a false alarm. what about ashley? i would seriously consider asking ash. or at least discussing the situation with him. but there's no way he'd be able to get it for me because his mode of transport is a bike which he wouldnt ride into town on just for me. like its seriously a long way. so he'd hav to ask mum to drive, which mum would question him why, and quite frankly, ashley is a pathetic liar. so the last option: ask my friends. but which friend? i love them all, but who would i confide in the most. see now im getting concerned that my friends will read this and think i dont trust them. i do. honestly i do. but with such a personal issue i'd be very reluctant. in all honesty, i'd probably ask emma. she looks after me the most and i know that she'd support me in whatever happens. and im not saying this just because emma is the only one who reads my blog! i'd trust emma with my life. and my baby's life if this were the case. because i know em would go and get the pregnancy test for me. she sit with me and wait the agonising 2 minutes that it took to determine my fate. and i know that no matter what she'd make me feel better. she'd probably get a whole packet of condoms for me, laugh and say "lauren, these are interesting contraptions. use these next time". then she'd probably give me a lesson on how to use them! (full of demonstrations of course!) which of course would make such an uncomortable situation so much more relaxed. and when i suddenly break down over the confusing circumstances, i know that she'd hug me and stay with me, and tell me that everything will be ok. even if it wouldnt be. she would patronise me, she would chastise me for making such a dumb mistake, she support me no matter what decision i made, even if it went against all her beliefs. thats what i love about emma. she's such a great person through and through. this has suddenly gone from a statement about me being pregnant to me declaring emma's awesomeness. what a strange post. well i was going to write more about whether i'd have the baby, or an abortion, or go for adoption, but i feel i've gone too far off topic and i cant resurrect my previous thoughts. so im just going to stop now. i've had fun writing this. as completely inplausible it may be. i've never had a boyfriend! as if i'd get any action from anyone. apart from emma that is. *wink*

Ranting for the sake of Ranting

An anonymous source told me that i need to write on my blog more. So that's exactly what im doing. I have nothing of importance to say, or write. After reading emmie's blog i feel like ranting now. she's put me in the mood, as weird as that sounds. but then again, anything that i rant about will be of little significance compared to emma who actually had something importance and justified to rant about. so just keep in mind that im a whiny brag who has nothing else better to do than rant about nothingness.
first off i would just like to point out how much i detest biology. it is probably the most important subject that i need for my future career of pathology. you know the blood people =]. this said, i cant help but hate it. i want to study blood and all its aspects. not the ducking (lol) cross section of a dicot leaf! in no way is this going to help me with my life. it is a waste of my time, the teachers time, everyone's time. the subject is so badly structured and has no orientation or lesson plan. we cut stuff up with scapels, look at it, attempt to find it under a microscope and draw it. yay for learning! like most people are content doing this, but i get so infuriated with the lack of learning. call me a nerd, but i dont care. i want structure, stability, notes, questions - not the bloody questions in the biozone that make no sense to what we are doing and is completely unnecessary do to the incredibly hard nature of the questions. "oh don't worry" says mr i probably shouldnt name on here "we wont be doing things that complex" THEN WHY SET THE FREAKING QUESTIONS!?!?! uh. anyway. i basically failed my biol exam. ok not failed, but went considerably worse than all my other subjects. and why is this you ask? because we have no revision material. we have learnt god knows what but we have no record of anything. the biol exams are so specific and so hard. you need to know the entire textbook word for word off by heart to be able to answer all the questions. like seriously, we didnt learn about the open circulatory system of grasshoppers. who the freaking hell needs to learn that! who would go out of their way to learn something as insignificant as that. i really REALLY dont want to do biol next year. but i cant. it would be so beneficial for me to do it. i wonder if i can quit it, and only come into class for the blood lessons? that would be awesome. then i could do something i really enjoyed. like PE. i know that emma is reading this (as she is the only one who reads this) thinking "what the hell does she want to do PE for. crazy girl" (admit it em, thats what you're thinking). well believe it or not, i actually like PE. especially sports science last year. i loved it. and not being modest, well yeah i am but i dont freaking care, i was good at it. my average for like the entire year was 98%. i loved it. amittedly i hated writing the pracs, but i hate that in physics and chem too. but i loved doing the pracs. i loved learning about the bones and the muscles. i've been discussing all of ashley's anatomy stuff with him because it interests me so much. i love the human body. that sounds a bit sexual doesnt it? let me rephrase i love the internal workings of the human body. sports science was the best. i didnt have any friends in that class but i loved it anyway, which proves how much i loved it coz i die without my friends (especially you emmie). the PE department asked me to do PE 3/4 this year. i turned it down. wanna know why? COZ I HAD TO DO FUCKING BIOL!

Pirate Party!

Dont get too excited. im not having a pirate party. though i wish i was. hehe pirates. facebook just generated my pirate name. Im Captain Soggy Beard of the Pirate Ship Smelly Draws. now thats just degrading. jacky got a semi cool name. im obviously not piratey enough to get an awesome name! tears. my life's aspiration. gone. on the plus side im pretty sure i passed my chemistry exam! so im in a good mood! =]

Exam Exhaustion.

Its me, again. well i'd hope so, coz id be very concerned if someone hacked onto my account. i dont see why they would. this is hardly exciting.
just wanted to come and complain about chemistry tomorrow. i have a feeling that im getting on peoples nerves by complaining about it. i wish they just want to say "suck it up lauren, its not the end of the world". which is completely valid, coz its not the end of the world. just the end of my chemistry career. slightly less important, yet vital to me. its so fricking hard! like seriously. i use to blame my non-understanding of chemistry on pituche (really bad chem teacher). but now he's gone and we have a slightly better teacher. yet im still not understanding. im getting good marks but im not understanding. i have a great abililty of remember things, i just cant apply them to situations, which is why im bad at application tasks *cough methods cough*. anyway. chem sucks. ash is pissed with me. my life is slowly tumbling downwards. i shall go and wallow in my misery.

The torture called methods.

Methods exam tomorrow. Shit. I probably should've studied more. but sims is too appealing. and reading books. good books. all thanks to jacky. jacky its your fault im going to fail methods tomorrow.
mum's afraid im going to go down the "was a goody goody two shoes but then got rebellious" path. like her niece did. narelle is like ooberly smart, and she 'fell in the crowd' and she failed year 12 and made a horrible mess of her life. she's all good now, but she could've done so much better. and mum is seriously afraid that that's what's going to happen to me. is that seriously something i'd do? like honestly. sure im going through a rebellious stage at the moment but im not going to ruin my life. plus i have awesome friends who support me and love me, i hope!, so im not going to go ditch them for 'popular' people who get smashed every weekend. gar. i just bothers me that she's so concerned. does she know me at all. dad was all like "do you honestly think she'd do that?". Daddy stuck up for me =]. i think mum is just paranoid. she often does things like this. anywho. METHODS TOMORROW!!!!!!! ARGH! Epic fail. Night!

Bothersome Brothers

"its bloody hot in here" quoted by Ashley. he is currently questioning the point of my blog, especially when i have one follower. shout out to Emmie!
ear ringing problem is still continuing. but not only is one ear hurting, the other one is completely blocked! so I'm currently very deaf at the moment. anyway i have to go. ash wants to play marine commando that conveniently happens to be installed on my computer. ash's laptop is, i quote, "too shit to run it" cya!

Stop the ringing.

So it turns out that the ringing in my ear happens to be an ear infection. I had to be sent home (when i say sent, i mean forced) because i couldnt hear anything. The teachers would talk and all i could hear was ringing. just ringing. Im hoping it will get better because i have exams coming up and there is no way im going to miss school from now on. exam revision. fun fun fun.
well i have to go to bed. mum threatened to turn the internet off if she caught me reading fanfics. apparently im meant to be resting. sigh. fanfic is my form of resting. drool. omg NEW MOON TRAILER IS AWESOME! i like it when bella says "jake run!" and then he turns into a giant wolf. like its totally wrong in all aspects of the plot, but i still like it. anyway. bye y'all.

Random Rambling

I'm so incredibly excited! New Moon official trailer comes out tonight! At the MTV awards. Nobody else seems to be quite as excited about it and that makes me sad. I saw like a 14 seconds pre-trailer and OMG it was freaking awesome! Swoon Bella and Edward kiss. New Moon is only like 6 months and 19 days away. Not that im counting. Sometimes i wish that i didnt get obsessed with things so easily. Like vampire academy for instance. Ive been reading soooooo many fanfics that ive lost count. Most of them are writers' versions of blood promise, the next vamp academy book. It comes out in august! *Smiles* But i cant help but wonder, what if the actualy blood promise isnt as good as all the fanfics ive been reading? that would be awful and really dissappointing. ive been trying not to read many lately, but thats gone done down the drain. I think i just need an escape. thats why i read. thats why i get obsessed. im so infatuated by fantasy that its so much better than reality. And this sounds really really harsh and bitchy, but if people's lives in books are awful it makes my life seem better. But if they have really hot and caring boyfriends *cough Edward and Dimitri cough* then i get really depressed. Why can't guys like that exist in normal life? and even if they did they wouldnt go for me. im ordinary. i have no special attributes or qualities. sigh.
Anyway im going to stop whinging now. and try and sleep. although i have a really painful ringing in my right ear. its pissing me off. grrrs at it. there i go again. will i ever stop whinging? I doubt it.

Unsure.

Testing to see if this will work.
xoxox LozRobin